


Fate Has No Say (Violet Chrysanthemum)

by Pseudthisyafucks (collettephinz)



Category: Youtube - RPF
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Comfort, EMT PJ, F/M, Happy Ending, Hurt/Abused Sean, M/M, Soulmate AU, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Soulmates, kidding i love happy endings, small descriptions of blood, supportive friends, wow what a strange tag for me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 10:09:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15241095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/collettephinz/pseuds/Pseudthisyafucks
Summary: Felix has a soulmate unlike any he's seen, and it's obvious by the words that are etched across his right and left arm.“You can’t stop me from jumping.”“You can’t stop me from jumping.”The first and last words his soulmate was to say to him were the same.





	Fate Has No Say (Violet Chrysanthemum)

Felix had a special kind of soulmate, he’d realized that the day he’d learned to read. 

Everyone else had normal soulmates, Felix was sure. On their left arm would be the first phrase said to them by their soulmate, usually something mundane like “nice to meet you,” or “sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going.” And on the right, something just as expected for your last words, such as “I never regretted a moment,” or “I love you very much.” 

His mom’s left arm read “do you need help carrying that to your car?” and his mom always talked about how polite Felix’s father had been, offering to help with the groceries. The fun part was his dad’s left arm read “do I look like I’m not strong enough to carry four fucking bags?” Felix never tired of hearing that story every Thanksgiving and Christmas.

But Felix’s arms weren’t like that. His soulmate was very, very different. 

His left arm read _“you can’t stop me from jumping.”_

His right arm read _“you can’t stop me from jumping.”_

Whenever someone read his arms, a look of pity would wash over their face. Felix started wearing long sleeves when he was ten and never stopped. He got through school hiding behind his bangs and moved out the moment he graduated at eighteen into an apartment he couldn't afford on his own that was next to the most popular suicide bridge in all of London. The Hornsey Bridge was a bridge was exactly what the name said it was— a bridge that passed over Hornsey Lane. The two-bedroom flat close to the bridge was so beyond what Felix could afford, but they were the closest apartments to the bridge that Felix walked up and down for hours on end every night. He didn’t go to college. He worked two jobs all day to afford the flat he shared with a friend and his friend’s soulmate. He slept about three hours at dawn and another three at dusk. He ate on the job and while pacing the bridge.

People working the shops on the bottom of the flats knew him well and would sometimes bring him coffee or a warm beverage, especially in the winter. Felix knew all of them pitied him, especially after he reluctantly pulled back his sleeves to reveal his darkest secret. Everyone pitied him when they found out about the phrase on his arms. Some nights, he honestly wanted to get tattoos to cover them and then move away and live his own life. He wanted to pretend he didn’t have a soulmate at all and move to the South or something and feel the sun on his skin and make out with fucking anyone and pretend he didn’t have anything tying him to anyone, didn’t have any reason to be walking up and down a bridge every night.

Except Felix saved about five people from suicide every two weeks, which came out to over a hundred people every year, and Felix couldn’t move away without knowing his soulmate was still going to jump one day. Felix didn’t know how he could explain that it would be this bridge in particular, but people always attested to their hunches being correct when it came to where they would meet their soulmates. His mother knew that she would meet his father at that grocery store and could never explain why. Brad always said that he would meet his soulmate in that record store down the street from Regent Park Theatre. Felix knew his soulmate would be on the Hornsey Land bridge and no one tried to tell him he was wrong. It was his soulmate, after all. People tended to respect the hunches of others. 

“Maybe someone else has already saved them,” Brad suggested one night as he watched Felix zip up his second jacket in preparation for walking in frigid London weather until the AM. “Sometimes the words disappear, sometimes they don’t. Maybe someone’s already helped them.” That was a myth.

“Maybe they already jumped and I wasn’t there,” Felix replied with a deadness in his eyes. “Maybe I’m just doing this night after night without end for no reason. Maybe I’m doomed to save everyone but the one person I need to save.”

“Maybe you need a vacation,” Brad sighed, looking down at his own arms. His left read “holy shit, I love your beard.” “Let me take you to that house my family has down in Brighton. Doesn’t that sound nice? Just a little break, only for a week. We can keep up with rent here on our own for a week. It’ll be okay.”

“I’m not leaving the bridge,” Felix said. He walked out the door and left it at that.

Brad tried, he really did, and Felix appreciated the concern. He liked knowing people cared about him and wanted to make sure he didn’t run himself into the ground. But he needed to find his soulmate, whoever he or she was, before they jumped into the freezing waters of the London river and he lost them forever.

He walked the bridge up and down that night, same as always. He met a young women walking her dog at three AM because she was taking a break from her term paper. He met an older man that was picking up some late night cold medicine for his granddaughter, who he was watching while her parents were on a small break and staying at a spa to try to fix their marriage. He also met a young mother and her wife, both of them out walking at night while their son was at a sleepover. Felix chatted with them for a while and marveled over their left arms, then listened to their fabricated story for one of the woman’s right arm phrases, which read “I’ve never been up this high before!” Needless to say, they had assured Felix they wouldn’t be visiting places any higher up than six stories. 

As the sun just started to peak over the ocean, Felix trudged home, toes frozen in his boots, and went to bed for three hours before he had to go to work. He passed out on the sofa and Brad lied a blanket over him wordlessly. It was a daily routine for them.

. . .

“PJ gets a lot of suicides, these days,” Sophie told Felix over drinks the next day, during Felix’s limited and scarce free time. “But nothing like you’re looking for. They’re all sad. Guns, pills, razor blades. He’s seeing literally everything these days. One of them was a dude who jumped in front of a car. It was a minivan— a woman was driving her kids to a soccer game on Sunday morning.” Sophie sighed heavily. “PJ’s been having a harder time coming back in one piece lately.”

“He’s got you,” Felix told him. “A person he’s known a lifetime. There’s no one better to help him heal.”

Sophie smirked sardonically and looked down at his her arm that said _“can I borrow your green crayon?”_ “You would think that,” Sophie said. “But I’m not doing my job like I should be these days. Sometimes it’s just not enough. The deaths are too dark. I can barely pull him out of his head and back with me.”

“You’re doing the best you can,” Felix reassured her.

“So are you,” Sophie replied. “You are. You know what you’re doing and you’re not giving up. And you’re saving a lot of people in the process. PJ’s jealous of how many lives you’ve saved. He says that if he’d known his EMT work would’ve saved fewer people than just walking up and down a bridge every night, he would’ve saved himself the pain and the university debt and just done what you’re doing now.”

Felix shook his head. “What I do is hell, Sophie. For all I know, he’s already jumped and I’ve missed my one and only chance.”

“I’d like to think fate isn’t that much of a bitch.” Sophie took a swig of her mimosa. “And who knows? Maybe you haven’t missed him. Maybe you’ll find him tonight. Or tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be weeks. A month. A year. Who fucking knows, Felix? But you’re doing such honest fucking work in the meantime and you’re saving peoples lives. Peoples’ soulmates. You’ve saved probably a thousand or more soulmates and saved their soulmates in the process these past seven years. You’re a hero, Felix. Whether you agree with me or not.”

“I do not,” Felix told him.

“Fuck you, you sound like an old man,” Sophie snorted, but she was smiling a little. “I’ve got to go. PJ’s gonna be home soon. Fourteen-hour shift and all. I’m gonna get him in the bath and give him a massage or something. Just trying and get his troubles out of his head for at least an hour. Got any tips?”

“Blow him,” Felix said. “Better than any professional massage.”

Sophie swatted at his arm with a tired grin. “Fuck you, Kjellberg.” But she looked like she preferred that idea. Sex had always been a little more familiar to Sophie than cheap comfort you saw in romantic movies. Felix wished her goodnight and the best of luck.

. . .

Walking up and down the bridge in the snow that night left Felix with frozen fingers by two AM. He frequently puffed his own hot air into them in a desperate and useless attempt to warm his fingertips before he would need PJ to cut them off. Felix stared at the moon that was being cloaked behind clouds over and over and cursed the cold he could see in the air. He half wanted to shove his hands into the back of his jeans and let his ass warm them up.

The bridge had been empty almost all night, the night too cold for anyone that wasn’t at the same level of insane repetition as Felix. Felix had been alone all night and he was tempted to just go home. No one would be out tonight. He could use the extra few hours of sleep. He was sure nothing would happen.

As he started walking off the bridge, he heard the sound of running steps ahead of him. Felix looked up from the toes of his scuffed shoes just in time to see a young man sprint past him with a tear-stained face. Felix whirled around and saw the man was heading straight for the ledge.

Felix sprang into action, running after the man. As the man climbed the ledge, scrambling up the stone rail, and readying himself to launch into the frigid waters below, Felix’s hand snapped out and grabbed his arm. 

The man’s eyes flashed to Felix, angry and hurting, and he said the phrase Felix had waited for his whole life.

“You can’t stop me from jumping.”

Felix’s breath caught in his throat, and for a few split moments that barely made a second, the world fell into slow motion. Even the snow slowed in the air, and Felix took the man in within those fractions of a second. The curve of his jaw, the bump of his nose, his chapped lips and bruised eye. The way his eyes glimmered with more tears and how his chest was heaving, hiding a rabbit fast heartbeat. How determined the man looked to die.

He was beautiful.

Time caught up and Felix said, “I’ll go with you.” That was just the first thing to come to mind, and judging by the way the man’s face morphed into an expression of absolute shock told Felix that he would find that sentence on the man’s arm. “I’ll go with you,” he repeated. “I’ll climb up there and jump with you, because I have been waiting my whole life to meet you, and I know you’ve been waiting too. And I know you want to leave. I know your last words to me have been the same as your first words to me, so don’t even say anything if you think I can’t help you, just give me enough time to climb up there and hold your hand on our way down.”

The man stared at him with wide eyes, like he was seeing Felix for the first time. His arm in Felix’s hand tugged like he wanted Felix to let go. “I ain’t lettin’ you fall.”

There it was. The difference. Felix’s words on his right arm suddenly began to burn as everything changed. Felix was officially in the dark, and he only had one chance to get this right. All of Felix’s experiences of bringing people back from the brink of despair seemed to fade in comparison to what he was about to attempt. He knew all human life was sacred, but nothing was like the life of his soulmate. 

“You have to understand,” he told the man softly. “I’ve been waiting for you my whole life. If my entire life has led up to being with you on this bridge, then I’ll climb up there and follow you down. And if you try to shake me off and go on your own, I’ll follow you down anyway.” Something shuttered in the man’s gaze, something that looked more broken. “Or,” Felix said. “You can come down. Talk to me. We’ll get some coffee and something for that bruise on your face. I’ll take you back to my place so we can get you in some fresh clothes and with a heater.” Because he was close to the other man now and could see the blood on the hem of his shirt. “Nothing has to happen,” Felix swore. “Nothing too scary. I just. I want you down from this ledge.”

The man stared at him, still teetering on the ledge. Beneath them, the concrete was hard and colder than the air around them. The man wet his lips and said, “people call me Jack.”

“Jack,” Felix repeated, unable to keep the reverence from his voice. “Jack. Hello, Jack. My name is Felix.”

“Felix,” Jack repeated. “I— I really don’t want t’ come down. You’ve no idea, Felix. I know you think you can help. Everyone’s always said ye’d be the one to help, but I’m not— I can’t be saved. No one can.”

“I’ll do everything I can to prove you wrong.”

Jack bit his lip again. Felix saw that they were so chapped they were starting to bleed. Jack pulled his arm from Felix’s grip. “I know you think you love me,” Jack said. “But I don’t think you know how much shit the world signed you up for…”

Felix reached out and grabbed Jack’s wrist, holding even faster. “You’re not leaving me,” he said. “I spent my whole life with the same words on both my arms. I never knew what I would do if I found you, but now I do. If you jump, I jump. We both die. Everything ends. We do it together. Or, you come down off that ledge and save both of our lives.”

Jack blinked rapidly like he was trying to stave off tears. “It’s all so fucked, Felix.”

“I know it is. I don’t know what or how, but I know it has to be to bring you to this bridge. I’ve come across so many people trying to find a permanent solution and I know that they never, ever come here to end it all without a really good reason. So I know it’s all fucked, Jack, I promise I know.”

Jack shuddered. “Seán,” he suddenly said. “Call me Seán. I-I thought I could handle that name, but—”

“Seán is a beautiful name,” Felix breathed. “Is that a middle name?”

“Jack’s only a nickname. My, my da’ gave it to me.” There was a pinch to Seán’s mouth as he admitted this. “My father. He has problems. And I couldn’t leave him be, cause no one else will take care of him, but he hates me. He, he hates me so much. And he doesn’t try t’ hide how much he hates me. I’ve nothing but him and he wants me dead.” Seán shook his head, a tear tracking down his cheek. Felix wanted to brush it away, but he knew he couldn’t. Touching Seán could ruin this even though Felix wanted nothing more in the world. “I don’t know what t’ do, Felix.”

“You have me now,” Felix swore, compartmentalizing the abusive father and focusing only on the wrist of his soulmate in his grip, the rabbit heart pulse he felt in the vein that proved Seán was still alive and Felix still had a chance. “And I don’t know what to do with your father, but I can swear to you that I love you and I want you safe and I will do everything I can to make sure that whatever future you didn’t dare imagine you could have will happen. Just come down, Seán. Come down here, with me.”

“Something’s broken.”

“It can be fixed.”

“In me, Felix. I-I feel it. My lungs don’t work right.”

Felix’s chest froze in alarm. “Come down,” he said, tugging insistently. “PJ. He’s an EMT. He can help you.” He didn’t know why Seán hadn’t gone to a doctor, but he’d make sure it happened now. “We can look at your lungs and anything else.” The bruise on Seán’s face, the blood down his chest. “Just come down.”

“You don’t love me.”

“I do,” Felix insisted. “And not because everyone says I have to, but because I can see that you’re a genuinely good person and you’re so fucking passionate and you don’t want to hurt anyone because you won’t jump if I follow. I don’t know you, not as well as I want to. I want to know you better because I know I’ll only fall in love with you more.”

“What if I said I didn’t love you?”

“I’ll still take you down from this ledge,” Felix said. “And I will still have PJ check you out. And I’ll still do everything I can to keep you safe, from anyone and everyone. And maybe, one day, you’ll love me back. But even if that never happens, it’ll all be okay because you’ll still be alive and I’ll feel better knowing you’re out there, living. I’m happy with not keeping you one you come down, Seán. I just want you safe.”

“How can ye’ be like this?” Seán asked. “What if I love someone else? What if I fall for some girl? What if you die alone? What if nothing good ever happens to you after this because you save me and then settle for being without me? What if you are never happy again? Maybe me dying is the right thing. Maybe then you’ll move on and meet someone nice and have a good life. Saving me could be the ruin of you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Ye’ have to care.”

“I don’t.”

Seán sobbed. “Felix, please.”

Felix squeezed Jack’s wrist. “I’m not letting you go. Not without me.”

Seán looked destroyed. Then he hung his head and turned, fumbling down the ledge with tears streaking down his face. Once his feet were on solid ground, standing next to Felix, he seemed to crumble. His knees gave out and he would have hit the floor if Felix hadn’t reached out and wrapped his arms around Jack’s torso, mindful of whatever was broken, and held him up. 

“I’ve got you,” Felix breathed, unable to believe this was happening. That he was holding his soulmate in his arms. His right arm words still burned. “I’ve got you.”

Seán showed too much of his play and clung to Felix, trembling. Felix didn’t know if he was cold or wrecked, but he wasn’t about to let go and pull back and look. He had a feeling Seán was guarded for a reason and didn’t want to push a boundary. Not too soon. Not when Felix was just beginning to earn an inkling of trust. 

Seán smelled like sweat and blood and Felix didn’t want to know what hell Seán had survived just yet, not when they were both so ragged to the slightest of blows. But with Seán so close, Felix only wanted to press his lips to the temple of Seán’s head and breathe him in even more. He could feel Seán’s skin against his own, clammy skin indicative of a damning cold sweat. Felix couldn’t bear to imagine the pain. He just held Seán a little tighter. 

“I don’t know what t’ do,” Seán whispered, voice wavering. 

“Don’t worry,” Felix told him. “I’ll handle it. Come with me.”

He pulled Seán up and led him to his apartment, keeping Seán against his side, still not looking at his face. Seán curly, dark hair covered most of the angle Felix could see. As they walked the short distance, Felix took stock of neutral territory. He didn’t know why an Irishman was in London, but it made as much sense as Felix being in London when he was Swedish. Seán’s hands had no callouses, but tiny scars and cuts and he was missing an entire pinky nail. He felt thin in Felix’s arms, sharp and angled and all bones. Felix kept his eyes ahead, on the street in front of them. He didn’t want Seán to feel scrutinized.

Stepping into his flat, he was greeted by an excited Emily from the kitchen. “I didn’t think you’d be home!” she exclaimed. “I’ve made—” Emily cut herself off when she saw the person with Felix. Her eyes were wide as she took in the ragged stranger, the bruises and blood and tears. Her mouth moved wordlessly like she could bring up the words.

“Is that him?”

Felix turned to see Brad in the doorway of the hall that led to the bedrooms and bathroom. Brad’s expressions as grim, his mouth a thin, downturned line. He wasn’t looking at Seán’s face, more so his body. Felix was going to introduce them when Seán suddenly lurched in his arms, a pained gasp torn from his throat. His knees gave out again. Seán let out a broken wheeze of Felix’s name as he almost hit the floor again. Felix held fast. Then Felix saw the blood collecting in the corner of Seán’s mouth. 

“Call PJ,” Felix said, his own voice strangled. “Get him right now.”

Brad pulled out his cell and started the call as Felix pulled Jack into the bathroom, sitting him down on the edge of the tub. “Fuck, Seán, the blood.” Felix wet a cloth and brought it to Seán’s face, cleaning the blood that flowed sluggishly. Seán watched him warily like he was expecting a blow to come from nowhere. Felix ignored the paranoia and put the cool cloth on to Seán’s bruised eye. “What’s hurting?”

“Rib,” Seán said. “Lungs.”

“PJ will know what to do.”

“I should have jumped.”

Felix swallowed hard. “You’re not a burden,” he said, knowing instinctually what Seán was implying. “I’d do this for anyone. I’m only more panicked to get it right because of who you are.”

Seán watched him with less wariness and more stunned confusion. “Are we really soulmates?”

Felix paused. Then, “can I see yours?”

Seán held out his left arm. Felix pulled back the long sleeve and his breath caught at the bruises and cigarette that were hidden beneath the cotton of the sweater. Yet beneath all of the mess, there were the words _“I’ll go with you”_ written across the skin. Felix stared at the dark lettering and let himself a moment of selfishness. He gently took and lifted Seán’s arm up to his lips, pressing a kiss to the end of the sentence, unable to describe the gratefulness he felt in knowing he’d been able to say the right thing after all. Seán’s breath hitched in his throat. Then there was a cough and blood splattered across Seán’s lips, making the pink turn red.

“Ye’ saved me just so I could die in yer bathroom,” Seán said sardonically.

“You’ll be fine,” Felix promised, confident that the world wouldn’t give him Seán just to take him away within the hour. He pressed another featherlight kiss to the skin. “Do you want to see mine?”

“God, no,” Seán choked out. “No, I can’t. Ye’ve gone your whole life with a suicide note. I-I don’t want t’ see what I’ve put ye’ through. Not yet.”

Felix nodded. There was a clatter from the front of the flat, and then PJ was in the doorway, his hair a mess and expression harried. He held a first aid kit and all but pushed Felix aside with an abrupt harshness, tunnel vision for the patient he had to save. “His name is S—”

“Jack,” Seán interrupted. “I’m Jack.”

“Please to meet you, Jack,” PJ said as he went through his kit. “Now take your shirt off.”

Seán hesitated. He looked to Felix for some sort of guidance or help. Felix wanted to provide him comfort while another part of him wanted to soar in knowing that, even though they’d just met, Seán trusted him more than the average stranger. “I can promise you I’ve seen worse,” PJ said, his voice gentle.

“I don’t know.”

“Jack,” PJ sighed. “I’ve dealt with the dead. This is London. I mean it. I. Have seen. Worse.”

Seán grimaced and pulled off his shirt. 

“Fuck,” PJ said once he saw the mangled mess of Seán’s torso. Felix couldn’t bear to look for more than a moment. There was an awful bump on his left side. All of his ribs were visible, but one was particularly fucked. His stomach was a messed of purple and green, old and new bruising. There was a footprint on his chest. “A rib’s broken. We can’t set it.”

“I know,” Jack choked out.

“Felix, get some ice ready for when we’re done,” PJ said. “And don’t come in until I call you.”

“I want Felix—”

“Jack needs—”

“I have to have space,” PJ said, interrupting them both. “And I don’t. I don’t want to fuck this up. I’m on three hours of sleep. You saved him, Felix, you got him down and he’s here. Do not tempt fate.”

Felix winced. He gave Seán a small nod and then a tiny smile. “I’ll be right outside,” he promised, before leaving. Sophie was just outside. She smiled wetly when she saw him and wrapped her arms around Felix, bringing his head down into her shoulder.

“You found him,” she said. “I can’t imagine how happy you must feel.”

Felix wasn’t sure if happy was the right word, but he was hopeful. Broken bones and bruises were awful, but they could heal. Felix didn’t know what to do about Seán’s situation, didn’t know why he didn’t want anyone to call him Seán unless it was Felix, but he knew he could handle because he hadn’t just spent the last seven years of his life pacing that bridge just to give up when he finally had what he’d sought. Felix hugged her back and allowed himself a wider smile. “I’ll keep him safe,” he said, mostly to himself. “I won’t let anyone or anything take him away.”

“I made Lentil soup,” Emily said from the kitchen where Brad was pulling out settings. Five bowls. Then Brad paused and went back for a sixth. “Come eat something, Felix. When PJ is done, we’ll figure out what to do. For now, you should eat.”

PJ was in there with Seán for an hour before the door opened and PJ came out with a drawn expression. He beckoned Felix over to him with a crook of his finger. Felix left the dining table and the soft conversation he’d been sharing with Sophie, Brad, and Emily. In the corner of the living room, PJ lowered his voice for privacy.

“He’s malnourished,” PJ told him. “Extremely so. And he has two broken ribs. His chest is rattling, so I gave him some painkillers. Collarbone has been broken twice before, so it’ll be work. His knee is all out of place, he’s lucky he doesn’t have a limp. He’s no concussion, but there’s this fuckin’ bump in his head that makes me nervous. And his fingers on his left hand have been snapped several times.” PJ paused. “You got yourself a real work of a soulmate, Felix.”

“Isn’t he amazing?” Felix asked. 

“Fucking hell.” PJ sighed heavily. “Amazing, maybe. I’d more so say brave as fuck and super strong. But yeah. I’ve got to give him a little bit of credit.” PJ put a hand on Felix’s shoulder. “I did what I could, wrapped his torso and shit. He’ll have to take it easy, but I can tell ye’ that he won’t go to a hospital, so what I’ve done is good enough to get him on the mend on his own.”

“Is there anything else I can do?”

“Convince him to go to a hospital. That’s it. Like I said, though, he’s strong. He’s healed on his own before. I hate to say this, as I’m a firm believer in going to the doctor for a fuckin’ head cold, but he’ll be fine without going. Just keep an eye on him.” PJ paused. “What are you gonna do?”

“I don’t know,” Felix said. “We’ll figure it out in the morning.”

“That’s, like, four hours away.”

“Plenty of time, then.”

PJ laughed a little and shook his head. “Gotta say— he’s damn near the luckiest man in the world t’ have someone like you as his soulmate. Match made in heaven, I would say.” PJ squeezed Felix’s shoulder, then let his hand fall away. “I’m gonna head home with Sophie. Don’t feed Jack anything more than soup and crackers. His body can’t handle much until he gets some real sustenance and body fat. Overfeeding him with saturated foods will make him sick. And make sure he doesn’t lift anything. And keep ice on that bruise on his face. And don’t let him knock his head again.”

“I won’t let him out of my sight.”

PJ nodded. “We’re gonna—”

He cut himself off and Felix looked past him to find out why. Seán stood in the doorway of the bathroom, the sweater back to covering the bruises and broken bones. He looked around, chewing on his lower lip. Felix couldn’t get over how fucking gorgeous he was, standing in Felix’s home. Even the purple against the pale skin and the dark hair bringing out those vibrant blue eyes were beyond any artwork Felix had seen in his life. 

From the kitchen table, Emily let out a soft hello, Sophie gave a friendly wave, and Brad, a short nod. Seán nodded back, but his eyes went back to Felix within moments. “I, uhm. I don’t know what t’ do.”

Felix had promised he would handle it, and he meant it. “Let’s get you something clean,” he told Seán, giving PJ one last smile of gratitude before going to Seán’s side and gently taking him by the elbow. He couldn’t keep himself from touching him. “You’ll fit my clothes, no worries. I’ve got this awesome sweater from my hometown, super soft. I think you’ll like it.”

As he pulled Seán down the hallway towards his bedroom, Seán frowned at him and asked, “where do ye’ come from if it ain’t here?”

“Gothenburg.”

“Sweden?” Seán’s eyes went wide. “My soulmate is a fuckin’ Swede?”

Felix raised a brow, an amused smile tugging at his lips. “Is that a problem?”

“Hardly. Just wondering how an Irish drunk got a fuckin’ supermodel Swede as his soulmate.”

“You’re more beautiful than anyone I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

Seán scoffed, but the denial wilted in the face of Felix’s sincerity and firm expression. “C’mon, Felix,” he prodded. “All these fuckin’ bruises. That’s a lie.”

“It’s not.” Felix squeezed Seán’s elbow and pulled him into his clean bedroom. He was grateful he didn’t spend much time here. Felix shut the door behind them and locked it for a good measure. Seán seemed to relax at the sound of the lock clicking shut. Then Felix turned to Seán and said, “you’re so god damn gorgeous, Seán.”

Seán shuddered and ducked his head. “I-I’m sorry I said I was Jack,” he told Felix. “T’ PJ and stuff. I just— not a lot of people call me Seán. Me mum did before she died. My best friend did, but I fell out of contact with him after my da’. I just— the name is special. I don’t let just anyone call me that. I wanted it to be you.”

Felix’s heart clenched. He fell a little in love. “Let me get you a sweater.” He pulled the sweater his sister had bought him for Christmas out of the closet and handed it to Seán. He turned to look away as Seán changed and was met with another scoff. 

“We’re soulmates,” Seán said. “I’ve nothing t’ hide.”

“Fuck, okay.” Felix turned around and let his eyes roam that bruised body and found himself drawn to it regardless. His hands were shaking with the need to touch. Seán pulled the sweater down onto his body a little too soon. “Fucking hell, you look good.”

Seán smiled crookedly. “I worked out when I could.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Da’ doesn’t like it. Says I’m trying t’ get stronger so I can hurt himself or something.” Seán shrugged. His expression became desolate and tired, empty at the edges. “Doesn’t matter. Didn’t matter. I stopped working out when I decided I’d give up.” 

Felix couldn’t take it. “Can I kiss you?”

Seán’s eyes went wide. “What?”

“Can I kiss you.”

“A-are you— is that okay? We’re both men.”

Felix frowned. “Is that going to be a problem?”

“Not t’ me.” Seán winced. “My da’, though. He’s Catholic.” Felix had always marveled at how religion had continued to survive with bigotry in the face of soulmates. “If he finds out…”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-four.”

“And you’re still with him?”

“He’s no one else. He’s sick. I couldn’t just leave him t’ die.” Seán grimaced. “Now I wish I had.”

Felix’s heart broke a little. “Can I kiss you?”

Seán’s breath caught. Then he nodded. He was standing at the foot of Felix’s bed, shoulders hunched forward, eyes wide and vulnerable. Felix approached him slowly, keeping his hands in view. He reached out just as slowly and took Seán’s face in his hands, cupping his cheeks. Felix swiped his thumb gently across the bruise around Seán’s eye and was glad when Seán didn’t flinch away. Seán was warm and alive in his palms. He looked earnestly up into Felix’s eyes, watching and waiting. Felix leaned in, so close that their noses brushed. He felt Seán’s breathing shutter and, for a moment, time froze again. Seán’s eyes were so unbelievably blue. Unlike anything Felix had ever seen.

Felix leaned in and brushed their lips. He felt Seán shudder out a sigh, then pressed in again. Seán leaned in as well, meeting the kiss. Their eyes slid shut, leaving just the touch of the skin and lips as the only sensation that existed and mattered. Seán tasted faintly like blood and toothpaste. The kiss was tentative but strong. Neither of them pulled back, nor did they deepen the kiss. They just existed together, letting the touch of their lips undo every knot of anxiety and fear and loneliness that had once existed in their chests when they hadn’t had each other.

Then Felix pulled away and looked back into those baby blues when Seán’s lashes fluttered as he opened his eyes again. “You’re beautiful,” Felix whispered. “I’m so happy I found you.”

“I was lying,” Seán said. “I do love you. And I don’t know why, but I do.”

Felix couldn’t keep himself from smiling. “I love you too.”

Seán trembled in his grip. “Your words— have they been the same on both arms?” Felix nodded. “What do ye’ think they are now?”

Felix didn’t know. He didn’t want to let go of Seán, but he’d been asked a question by his soulmate and he wasn’t about to hide from it. Felix released on his left-hand grip on Seán’s cheek wiggled his arm in the air to get the sleeve down. Together, they both looked down at the new words.

_I love you for pulling me down._


End file.
